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The Five Types Of Period Panties

May 8, 2009


Posted by: Jessica | Filed in: Sex
11:00AM, Tuesday April 07th 2009

Every woman’s got ‘em: the panties ruined by Nature’s special, beautiful, magical gift to your ladyparts.  You might be thrilled that Bingo’s tadpoles didn’t penetrate the love glove, but that still doesn’t mean you aren’t pissed your white, lacy Victoria’s Secret thong looks like a Jackson Pollack painting.

Typically, girls wear sexy underwear at all times because, even if we know no one is going to see them, we just feel better about ourselves when we know we look pretty underneath.  But the three to seven days of the month when all we do is cry and eat Cherry Garcia is an exception!  Whether they were formerly-cute panties sneak attacked by Aunt Flo or nasty knickers you bought just to stain, here’s the five types of period panties every woman’s got: 

The Panties You Already Bled On: Maybe they were granny panties.  Maybe they were the Princess Tam Tam knickers you splurged on.  But regardless, those stains didn’t come out no matter how hard you tried.  You keep them hidden far, far away in the darkest corner of your underwear drawer, only to see the light of day at that time of that month.

The Panties That Your Mom Put In Your Christmas Stocking That Are Too Ugly To Be Caught Dead Wearing: Mom means well; she knows her baby always needs clean underwear and socks.  Perfect Christmas stocking stuffer, right?  But Mom’s just a hot mess when it comes to buying appropriately-cute drawers.  There’s no way you’d want a police officer or EMT—let alone someone you’re hooking up with!—to see these.  And you kinda feel bad for Dad now.

The Panties With Holes In Them: How does a gal get holes in her drawers, anyway?  It’s not like we have anything sharp down there!  (Except for those of us with vagina dentata…evil laugh.) But sometimes, a hole rips up your boyshorts and this is God telling you that you’ve got a new pair of period panties.

The Panties Where The Elastic Waistband Is Shot: Too many cycles in the washing machine—or maybe it’s too many Cinnabuns—will shoot an elastic waistband to hell.  Sure, they can be a little too baggy and uncomfortable to wear, but the sad truth is, you likely feel so bloated, you don’t even notice the elastic band is missing.

The Panties You Wore Yesterday: Gross but true: an informal poll of staffers found that some of us do wear our panties two or more days in a row when we’re on the rag.  Yeah, it’s disgusting from a hygiene standpoint.  But if you wear and throw away pads instead of leaky tampons, it’s not really that gross.  Right?  Right?!?  RIGHT?!?!?!

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