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Murphy’s military police laws

October 15, 2009


  • Your brassard and your badge won’t stop bullets.
  • If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
  • Don’t look conspicuous – it antagonizes officers.
  • When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
  • Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
  • Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
  • If your response goes well, you’re at the wrong barracks.
  • Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you’re doing something really stupid.
  • The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
  • The warrant you don’t read is the one you’ll serve at the wrong quarters.
  • No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
  • If you charge in all alone, you’ll be shot by your own officers.
  • The diversion you’re ignoring is the actual crime.
  • The important things are always simple.
  • The simple things are always hard.
  • The easy ways are always blocked.
  • The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
  • Anything you do can get you in trouble – including doing nothing.
  • When you’ve secured a crime scene, don’t forget to tell the brass.
  • Using the siren and light to clear traffic – attracts traffic.
  • It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
  • If you take out the newest patrol car, you’ll have an accident.
  • No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
  • No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
  • The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
  • Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
  • Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
  • Military working dogs attack anything that moves – including you.
  • The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
  • You’ll find the suspect you want, when you’re off-duty and unarmed.
  • If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you’ll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
  • The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
  • The dependent who screams loudly when you don’t show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do.
  • The weight of the dead body you’ll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you’ll have to climb.
  • Fatalities always occur at the end of shift – or when it rains and snows.
  • Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
  • Contrary to popular belief – general officers don’t get tickets.
  • You won’t get called to a court martial – unless it’s your day off.
  • Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
  • Empty guns – aren’t.
  • Your two minute “back-up” is always actually ten minutes away.
  • The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
  • Tasting suspected drugs works – but only on TV or in the movies.
  • Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
  • Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
  • Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
  • Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof – then blame a Private.
  • Don’t stand, if you can sit – don’t sit, if you can lay down – if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.


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